Broad Grins; or
Whackham and Windham
The Wrangling Lawyers
by Jane Scott
Act I
Scene 1
[Apartment in Whackham's house. Family seated at breakfast. Whackham with the newspaper.]
Maria
Father, I wish you would finish your newspaper, breakfast has
been on table for two hours or more.
Whackham
And I have been interrupted by the score.
Maria
But dear pa, 'tis growing late, do drink your tea.
Whackham
Zounds let one finish the debate—Lord Leatherhead
sat down Sir Botheration Arose
aye, aye he's in the minority the notion hell oppose.
[Reads.] Sir Botheration arose and said...
[Singing without.]
I am a country boy and my name is
Tommy,
I came to Lunnon town all for to get munney,
When I came here I could not home,
Ah! poor Tommy
Fol de rol.
Whackham
Big Backum that is, bid that fellow hold his tongue.
Maria
Yes sir. [goes to the door.]
Thomas, don't make such noise,
To disturb your master thus is very wrong.
Thomas [without.]
I was not making noise miss,
I was only tuning up a country song.
Maria
Well, be silent now.
Whackham
This always is the way you see,
I never can get through my paper quietly.
Tell him not to come in till the bell rings.
Maria
Very well—Thomas you must not come in until you hear the bell.
Thomas
No I won't miss.
Whackham
Now once more. [reads.] Sir Botheram arose
and said that he should set his face against the
subsidy—Good—Good.
Why miss you are not heeding?
Some strange romance or novel or fresh you're reading.
To corrupt your morals; bah! Stuff! Lies and fabrication.
Here you find truth, improvement and information.
Maria
As for truth, in my opinion I may declare
Newspapers and novels they are on a square.
And as for morals...
Whackham
Hold upon review,
I think a novel the harmless of the two.
Oh, here's a piece of news for you.
Maria
What is it, let me hear.
Whackham
Stay girl not so fast, Lydia Lavender is married.
Maria
Then she has fixed at last.
Very well I wish you joy Miss Lydia Lavender.
I shall be married soon as well as her,
Shan't I father?
Whackham
Yes, yes a few days now the business will decide.
Maria
And I shall be Harry Windham's bride.
But who is Lydia married to?
Whackham
Why to ...
[Enter Thomas abruptly.]
Thomas
The old clothes man master
Wants to speak to you.
Whackham
I'll old clothes man you, you rascal you,
What was it I said?
I have a great mind to break my stick about your head.
Maria
Did I not tell you to come in until you hear the bell?
Thomas
Well, I did hear it miss.
Ringing like vengeance at the passage door.
Maria
Then you would have come up had you heard St Paul's ring?
Thomas
Why, yes to be sure Miss that's a certain thing.
Whackham
What did Shadrach want?
Thomas
Why sir, he only called to axe whether you wanted paper pins or
sealing wax.
He's got some a nation bargain sir to sell.
Whackham
Pins and wax a bargain has he, so well, well.
But let him look in any time after 4—and now
for my father Peter I won't be interrupted any more.
Thomas
No sir, you shan't.
[Exit Thomas.]
Whackham
There never was that fellow's equal I declare.
To be pestered all the time whilst reading one's news
paper would make a bishop swear.
Maria
What father was the man to do?
Whackham
Hold your tongue miss, what is that to you?
[reads.] Sir Botheram proceeded next to state some fact,
Showing the impropriety of such a tax.
Aye, aye this business will make some stir.
[Enter Thomas with a letter.]
Thomas
Here be a letter for you sir.
Whackham
A letter! I've a good mind to knock you down.
New dog I have.
Maria
How can you thus your master's anger brave?
Thomas
Why, the man said he must have an answer so he must.
Whackham
He may stay till I have read my paper first.
Death if I can't take a paper in my hand all day.
The moment I sit down to read, this always is the way.
Maria
By the bye father, have you hear or have you read
Who at Summerville's is dead?
Whackham
Be quiet.
Maria
Can't you enquire Thomas?
Thomas
Yes I will and let you know anon.
Whackham
What are you muttering about?
Directly leave the room.
Whackham
Once more there is something like tranquility.
Now to get through the debate I'll try.
What! Leatherhead in the minority I am astonished,
After that I've done.
[lays down the paper for a moment.]
Thomas. [coolly enters takes
up the paper and walks off with it.]
That's nation lucky, the man be for paper come.
Whackham. [enraged.]
Order that rascal to quit my house.
Obey me have a care.
He is not fit to carry garbage to a fair.
Maria
Consider sir, he is sober and honest.
Whackham
How dare he thus intrude.
Maria
And bears your scolding with such fortitude.
Whackham
That's his d—d ignorance.
He's no more feeling than a stone.
Maria
That's true.
[aside.] If he had, he never would put up with you.
Thomas [speaking without.]
Go in yourself, and as I cannot speak to him he said
He break my head if I went in.
Rebecca [without.]
You stupid wretch why did you not say
You brought the letter?
Thomas
Well then go in yourself and manage better.
Rebecca
The letter Thomas brought just now
Requires an answer sir
immediately. 'Twas from Lawyer Windham.
Whackham
Lawyer Windham, let me see.
Why did you not tell me this before?
Who you said bought it?
Thomas
Well it was a man I am sure.
Master Quilldrive his journeyman I think.
The chap who's always up to his elbows sir
In pens and ink.
Maria
Perhaps the letter is from Henry to me.
Whackham
No, no 'tis right I must meet my friend Windham at his chambers
instantly-
I had forgot it quite.
'Tis a law point we have to settle, I hope I am not late.
Thomas
That was all along of reading the debate.
Oh Miss, Mrs. Summerville be dead—I enquired.
Whackham
Who bid you go—get me my coat and hat and wig.
Thomas
I thought that you and Miss Jane wished to know,
So I giv'd your compliments and told you would be glad to learn
ho, ho
who's dead in the family.
Whackham
You did, then I hope they kicked you from the door.
Thomas
No, but they did bang it in my face for certain sure.
Whackham
Bang out of the room you idiot.
Thomas
There be no pleasing you.
Whackham
He shall go the moment I can get
another in his place.
Zounds I shall never come to show my face,
I must call and apologise to the family.
Come, come make haste have you brush'd my coat for me.
Rebecca
Mr Henry is coming to sit a bit with you.
Whackham
Look for my gloves, assist me with my coat, pray do.
What are you about Zound's child? you're wild I am sure,
You are putting on my coat the wrong side before.
Maria
Mr Henry is to call this morning shall I
ask him in to dine?
Whackham
Ah! The cause of this confusion now I can divine.
Aye, aye you rogue. Old dads to fix.
Hump hay yes, yes, I know your tricks.
[Rebecca puts on his wig awry.]
What are you about now you silly elf?
Rebecca
I was thinking how dull Mr. Quilldrive must be.
Whackham [Musing in passage by himself.]
Oh, I understand old nick may wait on me
So as you keep Mr. Quilldrive company,
Maria, make haste. my gloves and stick.
Run to Quilldrive and learn from him Henry will call.
Maria
Quick, quick,
I shall be vexed if he catches me in this dishabille.
Oh dear he call before will change my dress I fear.
Whackham
Aye, that's the way in courtship girls so neat you find
when once married how much rumpled they don't mind.
However my dear you and Henry may arrange matter finally
I wish you married now without delay.
Life is uncertain and I should die satisfied,
To have you guarded by a man in whom I can confide.
I shall enter on the subject with Windham when we meet today,
And everything shall be to our wishes that I dare say.
Maria
But, dear father don't be angry one thing I entreat
Endeavour not to quarrel with old Windham when you meet.
Whackham
Quarrel? What do you mean why miss is that stated?
Maria
Why really me and Henry have so often
separated—sometimes been told to hate
and then to love—Let nothing now dear sir
your anger move -
For should you bid me now from Henry part
Indeed, indeed it would break Maria's heart.
Whackham
I am come to a pretty pass
to be scald Miss Lust.
Maria
Yes father, but if you and Mr. Windham
disagree the Mischief falls on us.
Whackham
Well, never fear I shall command my
temper should anything occur -
But Windham is such a peevish old cur.
However as we both employ'd one side
Nothing can transpire our friendship to divide
But hold! The likeness that I sat for the other day
May be sent home while I am away.
You had better set it in this room I think
And hark give the chaps that bring it
Something, girl to drink.
[loud knock at street door.]
Maria
Oh here comes Harry.
Here sir is your cane and gloves.
Whackham
Zounds what are you about ?
I really think you had better push me out
[Knocking again.]
Bless me a thunder who can it be?
Maria
You will be too late.
Whackham
I had better stop and see.
Maria
The law case, sir, they may decide without you.
Whackham
That it's true. But I'll send them to the devil if they do.
[Exit.]
Maria
I'm glad he's gone. Say what they will,
'Tis a downright shame to meet one's lover in such dishabille.
[Enter Thomas.]
Thomas
Master Henry Windham is in the parlour miss.
Maria
I will for the moment tidy me I'll go.
Let him come up but Thomas do not say
You have named it yet to me -I wish to
enter as if by accident you see.
[Enter Rebecca.]
Rebecca
Thomas, I'll mind miss.
Mr. Henry Windham miss.
Maria
Thomas show him up directly pray.
Rebecca
Follow me without delay.
Maria
Now Thomas do not make a blunder.
Rebecca
If he don't mam it'll be a wonder.
[going Thomas delays her.]
Thomas
Hee, hee, hee,—Mrs. Beck I want to speak to you
Odds wonderkins I wish I had a sweetheart too.
Rebecca
Ah! What you are on the old score
I never wish to listen to the subject more.
Thomas
Don't you remember when we lived in the same village?
Rebecca
Certainly.
Thomas
You was not so heard hearted then to I.
You know 'twas love that brought me here that's plain.
Rebecca
I wish with all my soul t'would take you back again.
Thomas
Why, what's the matter tell me if you can?
I'm sure I be a tightish looking man.
Rebecca
A man—a stupid beast.
Thomas
A beast not yet hee, hee, hee
Though that may happen if I marry thee.
Rebecca
What do you mean?
Thomas
I leave it to be guessed -
however for present let the matter rest.
But mark you won't get a properer man than me
Be dang me if you do.
I read and write and I can cypher too,
I have a silver watch in my pocket and gold ring,
Can dance a hornpipe and a tolderol sing,
I can nic and crop horses, kill pigs and poultry,
I am sure no lady in land could wish more.
Then I can suckle calves.
Rebecca
That no doubt is true,
'Tis in the family—your mother suckled you.
[Duett Thomas and Rebecca.]
Rebecca
Out of the room I pray you do.
Thomas
I will but not when bid by you.
Say Mrs. Beck how will you wed?
Rebecca
Never with such a dunderhead.
Thomas
To hang myself I don't intend.
Rebecca
Go drown yourself.
Thomas
Not I depend.
I'll clean my knives and sing all day,
Talara Falara Larala.
Rebecca
I'll marry some brusque some sprightly elf,
Some butter spread with store of wealth.
Thomas
Why that is sooner said than done.
You'll die an old maid be ten to one,
And if you do twill serve you right.
Rebecca
Poor goose, I'll let you spit your spite.
But I'll shake my pins and sing all day
Fadaralarala.
Thomas
There's a bounce and a flounce,
But if she won't have me, faith some other will.
Grandmother used to say there was a Jack for every Gill,
Odds triggers I forgot.
[Calls.] Master Henry, come up do. Miss will presently
be here with you,
That you was waiting I did quite forget,
Miss be only gone to brush her up a bit.
Henry
I really fear'd that she was not at home.
Thomas
Oh yes, she's only for a moment gone.
Henry
I have disturbed her then I fear—
Thomas
oh no, she only run'd away when she thought you near.
Henry
Maria, Maria run away from me.
Thomas
But she'll come back by accident sir, presently.
[Enter Maria and Rebecca.]
Maria
My dear Henry, is it you? can I believe my eyes?
I own dear that you caught me by surprise.
Thomas
Lord. Miss, how well you look I vow—you are
quite a different thing to what you was just now.
Rebecca
Hold your tongue.
Maria
Directly quit the room.
Thomas
I could not think, miss, you could have dizen'd up so soon.
Rebecca
Will you be gone?
Thomas
Yes, presently—now, did I tell
you sir that Miss was dressing out for thee?
Henry
No! No!
Thomas
Didn't I tell you sir Miss would come in by accident?
Maria
Mighty well!
Thomas
But I did not say Miss Maria bid me not tell thee.
Maria
Provoking.
Thomas
Aye, aye though I am a country lad—and not much learning got.
You shall find miss, Thomas Thresher knows what is what.
Rebecca
Don't believe a word he said.
Maria
Yes, yes 'tis true.
I could not wish to show myself in dishabille to you.
Though for a moment to my glass I ran—
I thought would flatter you too by owning what I had done.
Henry
Dear, dear girl no explanation I require.
'Tis the jewel not the casket I admire.
Rebecca
To him were it all the same, had it been life or death,
I'll give it him through his ears, will not spare my breath,
Will you allow me to step across the street.
Maria
Pray do.
Rebecca
I've had a sweetheart—so know how I feel for you,
I am only going to buy a ribbon sir.
Thomas
Hold! Price don't spare. [gives money.]
Rebecca
La! How generous these lovers are.
Henry
Don't hurry yourselves Mrs. Becky, I entreat.
If you can't suit yourself in the Strand, there
is great variety in Oxford Street.
Maria
Lord Henry,
What a hurry you were in to get rid of her.
Henry
Tis true I own.
Maria
But consider we are left quite, quite alone.
Henry
Yes, yes my love and then you see
I seize the golden opportunity
[is going to kiss her Thomas enters abruptly—breaks into a
hoarse laugh.]
What the devil brought you here?
Thomas
Ha, ha. I be main sorry I spoiled sport sir I fear.
To be sure, somehow I might have knocked and you
the door have locked.
Henry
What is your business scoundrel?
Maria
What's your business state.
Thomas
What a passion you be in—I did not know
That you were reading the debate.
Henry
What do you come for?
Thomas
Master's ridicule.
Henry
Really, the fellow is a downright fool.
Maria
You mean the bag with the papers.
Thomas
Yes miss, to be sure—'twas the lawyers
brought the ladies little bag in fashion I'm secure.
And desperate convenient sir they be,
I master wants a batch of clothes—off with
them sir to the tailor then I goes.
Sometimes, if master lights upon a poulterers shop,
A woodcock or some pigeons in hell pop.
Master's nation fond of woodcock be em how they will
Because, you see, they're famous for a bill
And as for pigeons, all the world do say
They're quite exactly in a lawyers way.
Henry
Will you go?
Thomas
Yes sir—now don't the lady's find their
little bags miss—monstrous handy.
For a few mutton chops—or a snugg drop of brandy.
Maria
Thomas.
Thomas
I don't say you drinks brandy miss, No as I am a sinner
You never touches brandy unless we have fish
or goose or pork or sausages for dinner.
Maria
Proceed. Thomas is resolved nothing shall be conceal'd.
Everything he knows must be reveal'd.
Thomas
Never blush miss, she who won't take a drop openly.
Will drink a bumper oft upon the sly.
Henry [Enraged.]
Sir, do you see my foot?
Thomas
Yes, certain, sure.
Henry
Very well sir, and there you see the door.
Thomas
Yes.
Maria
Stay, one word, you are famous for interruption.
Thomas
Yes miss, so I be.
Maria
You are going to attend on my father.
Henry
and mine.
Thomas
That's for a certainty.
Maria
Now, don't you do anything to put them out of humour.
Thomas
No miss, that I won't.
Henry
And should they disagree, Thomas, 'tis a mortal point that they
don't.
Maria
Then Thomas interrupt them, do.
Henry
And then they're angry, they will turn on you.
Now mark my lad, if our interests you will guard,
Two golden guineas shall be your reward.
Thomas
Two golden guineas, mine? There, I agree.
Mind two golden guineas, no paper sir for me.
I'll bear a good many kicks and thumps so they be mine.
I don't like any of your stamped coin.
Two guineas, what that the regular retaining fee,
I know a little about lawyering you see.
Henry
Now, I'll take the fellows and lock the door.
Maria
No, no he is gone now I am sure.
Henry
I wish you would consent to private marriage love.
Maria
That's idle when both our parents approve.
Henry
Nay, was not the very day appointed,—when they
fell out on a law question,
and we were disappointed.
Maria
Truly this morning meeting much I fear.
Henry
Faith, I had better be with them than here.
'Tis ten to one, they quarrel unless Thomas is right.
I can avert the storm if I am by.
Should they fall out, your father might introduce
a new lover to you.
Maria
May be so—but it will be
my fault to marry him you know.
Henry
Will wealth then never influence thee.
Maria
Never with him I love the humblest lot
would happy be.
Song
Young rose of the hamlet was queen,
The blossom and thorn not so sweet
At work or at dance on the green
No primrose so modestly neat.
Her eyes were as meek as the doves
That the peace yielding olive branch bore,
Her ringlets were twin'd by the loves,
And what could a youth wish for more.
