[Chamber in Windham's house.]
Thomas
Two golden guineas, but let me see,
If I sell them, that would be two pounds ten for me.
I fear these two old chaps be counjouring alone,
If they quarrel my guineas will be gone.
I'll listen a bit. [puts his ear to door.] I hear a noise.
Yes, yes, I fear they are at it—old masters' croak
I cannot miss—there is a d-d canary bird singing.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Not a word they are saying can I hear.
Now all is silence still as death.
That's right, old ones spare your breath.
How they be thumping the table!
What the dickens do them ail!
Why? 'tis all about the docking of a tail.
La! I though it was about law not horses
that they meet. [listens again.]
Yes, it is all along with cutting off the tail they're at it
Now all is still as mice.
Whackham [speaking within]
Well, well I may be wrong, I give it up I own.
Thomas [peeping through the keyhole]
Zounds they be up.
[Whackham and Windham entering from the office hastily, both tumble over Thomas who was on his knees listening]
Whackham
What did you sir do at the door?
Thomas
I only stooped to tie my shoe I am sure.
Whackham
I believe, sir, that you lie.
Windham
Upon my soul, and so do I.
However, as we have no legal proof.
Whackham
Why, we must pass it o'er.
But never let
me catch tying your shoe sir more.
Windham
I say friend Whackham you must allow
We are all upon a level know
Must have my joke—ha, ha, ha.
Whackham
Aye, if dying a truer word you never spoke.
Thomas
Zouks I got an awkward thump—no matter,
Two guineas will be a plaster to cure the bump.
Whackham
Go into the office, take my papers rascal and be gone.
Tell my daughter I shall soon be home.
Thomas
Yes sir. [Exits into office]
Windham
Now my dear friend, have you stated everything
You have to state?
Whackham
Yes, yes, though I think the entail should be
docked from the estate.
But by your superior judgement I abide.
And now the business of our children's marriage let's decide.
Windham
With all my heart, with pleasure, I consent.
But what do you propose by way of settlement?
Whackham
Why look you friend, what e'er you give your son,
Be it pounds or guineas, I'll cover every one.
Windham
What say you to five thousand for my boy?
Whackham
Why that will do—for I shall give
my girl five thousand too.
I say, master, we was not set out in such a way,
We had us many pence.
Windham
Farthings you may say.
Then you had such a knack in getting business.
Whackham
That is true.
Windham
You was a deep one.
Whackham
Egad! And so was you.
You was a deep chap when at school.
Windham
Ay, ay.
Whackham [aside.]
What ? ?
And so was I.
Windham [aside.]
What a conceited fool!
Whackham
You had such a knack of getting business.
Windham
Why now I do not lag—when I set up, I
was nothing—about, sir, late and early with my
snug blue bag—I look'd so busy nothing could prevent me.
And when was 'twas rumoured I had more than I could do,
Zounds I had business plenty.
Whackham
Yes, yes you had a happy knack I own—of
grabbing other folks business, as well as your own.
Windham
If you come to that—to say it I am loathe.
You'd always take the bread from out your neighbour's mouth.
Whackham
Dare you this to me.
Windham
I dare say it is truth.
Of it I have had many a sorry proof.
Whackham
Sir, if you can.
Windham
Go, go—you're a poor vain foolish man.
Whackham
Foolish man—go to the devil.
Windham
That I shall not do.
I do not want sir to go home with you.
Whackham
Go home with me—the world would wonder
To see you in such honourable company.
Windham
Upon my soul, Whack, you are growing insolent.
Whackham
You are so already, but sir you shall repent.
For look ye, though I let you have your way,
'Tis a shame not to dock the intail of I say.
Windham
Tis false—'tis a lie, 'tis no such thing.
Whackham
Since you come to that legal proof I'll bring,
'Tis a swindling business I insist.
Windham
Say that again and you shall feel
the weight of my fist—you hound.
Whackham
You blackguard, you want a thrashing
And let the task be mine.
I shall gain immortal honour
By hiding such a swine.
Thomas [peeps in much distressed.]
Here's a pretty business. I must, oh dear,
Between them somehow I must interfere.
Whackham
I'll have the intail docked that you shall see.
Windham
Then I'll throw the business into Chancery.
Whackham
You villain.
Thomas [to Windham.]
You know you be a villain
That be nothing new.
Windham
You hang dog do the worse that you can do.
Thomas [to Whackham.]
Well if you be a hang dog—it be in grain.
Whackham
The devil would not keep you hed turn you out again.
Thomas
Try him master, try him don't mind he.
He'll have you one day at a certainty.
[Whackham and Windham fly at each other and scuffle.]
Whackham
I'll shake your soul out.
Windham
You thief.
Whackham
You scout.
Thomas
My two guineas they be gone passed doubt.
Whackham
With rage I choke, I burn.
Windham
Help, help.
Thomas
I must part them so I must.
[Enter Quilldrive.]
You shan't beat my master sir I say.
[Thomas pulls Windham off Whackham by his coattail, which comes off. Thomas seizes Whackham in his arms, carries him off also Windham's coat tail.]
I got the tail! Hussah! I gain'd the day.
Windham
The villain's gone, my son in Newgate I will see
rather than unite to that old Whackham's family.
I hope Quill you have witnessed this transaction
for damage against the rascal I'll have an action.
Quilldrive
Sir, I saw nothing of the business.
Windham
But you must have heard.
Quilldrive
I heard contention sir, but don't know a word.
Windham
Why you scoundrel! do not I command you
Always to be nigh that I may legal witness?
Quilldrive
Sir you ? To decide on the marriage of Mr. Henry.
In family affairs I thought you would dispense me.
Windham
Married to Henry—No! Never to a Whackham,
and what is more, I'll disinherit him
if e'er I know him enter that old villain's door.
I shall step to chambers of counsellor Queenham.
His opinion on the case I'll know.
Quilldrive
Surely in that spenser and old smallclothes
sir you will not go.
Windham
Never mind my smallclothes.
They are a little behind the worse the wear—but the
tail of my coat hides every damage their.
Quilldrive
That may be when you have one on.
But yours unluckily—is gone.
Windham [feeling behind.]
I am robb'd, ruin'd, murder'd! I am undone!
That country booby has torn it off. After him run!
Quilldrive
Lord, lord sir don't fret, we'll make old Whackham well
Pay for the sport.
T'were bear the lawyer damages in court.
Windham
Ay, but in the pocket 'tis the deeds of the contested estate.
If old Whackham see them, I am ruin'd spite of fate.
Yes, yes a pretty handle will be made of it by Whackham,
I'll after that country rascal, bribes or threats
may bring him back.
[Exit in a hurry.]
Quildrive
Old Windham must be mad past doubt
in such a trim as his to sally out.
I must follow him a witness in the case.
Will nib me like a pen now if I do
Folks will take me for a madman too.
[Enter Henry.]
Henry
My father's past me now in such a flurry
He almost knocked me down stairs in his hurry.
Quilldrive
Really sir, I am sorry sir to state.
Henry
Ay the old work, I see at once my fate.
There has been a pretty breeze no doubt.
Quilldrive
Nib me like a pen but you have found out.
There has been the duce to pay
Whackham knows Windham.
It is foot to foot- and
what is more 'tis fist to fist to boot.
Henry
Why did not you prevent them?
Quilldrive
I did sir what I could the combatants to part—had knock'd each other on
the head it would not break my heart,
I should like to be clerk to Henry Windham Esquire.
Henry
Say, was their quarrel about
my marriage with Maria?
Quilldrive
I can't exactly say sir, but this I know.
Into old Whackham's house you must not go.
Henry
I fear'd this. I must immediately Maria see.
Quilldrive
You will not be admitted it seems to me.
The old ones are both in the same mind depend.
Henry
But in her maid I have a certain friend.
Quilldrive
Then there is that country footman, spite
of his simple phiz,
a devilish cute one sir, he is.
Henry
Never fear, I'll try a hundred schemes.
But I'll some method find—beside gold
dust will make a very Argos blind.
Quilldrive
Aye, aye folks, make a fuss about a lawyer's fee,
but all is govern'd more or less by bribery.
Duet
The statesman is brib'd by a pension if poor,
If rich well a title will make him secure,
If titled already to keep up the charter,
He deck'd with new honours a Knight of the Garter.
Then laugh at the law as you please for you see
In some way or other we all take a fee.
Some in flattery and fine words their fee will oft pay,
And frequent promotion is got in this way.
The lover his mistress he fees with a kiss,
And the chambermaids sometimes as well as miss.
Then laugh at the law as you please for you see
In some way or other we all take a fee.
