Scott, Jane. Whackham and Windham, The Wrangling Lawyers. Ed. and with an Introduction by Jacky Bratton, and with an Editorial Note by Michael Eberle-Sinatra. British Women Playwrights around 1800. 15 October 1998.
Act II
Scene 1 (concluded)
Maria
Rebecca, do you think to cheat my father now would be a sin?
Suppose we were to smuggle - Harry Windham in?Rebecca
Let us miss.Maria
But how every door is safely lock'd,
and every doubtful window bard and relock'd.[Enter Thomas.]
Thomas
Heres a pretty go miss old masters gone and
we be all lock'd in alone. I do not like this
trick. I should like old master mightily to queer,
I wish to goodness your sweetheart now was here.Maria
Are you sure my father's gone?Thomas
Yes miss I be sure.Maria
Then Harry Windham may come forth, all is now secure.[Windham comes from behind the picture.]
Thomas
Fol de rol.Henry
ha, ha, ha.Maria
I think we have fairly cheated my pater.Thomas
Tis better than a dram - I am glad to see
sir with all my heart and soul I am.
You be just come sir in pudding time.Windham
Maria love, you'll let me with you dine.Maria
I suppose I must. I should have
turn'd out such prohibited goods instantly
only father lock'd us in you see - hee, hee, hee .Thomas
Master he's out and we will be merry.Rebecca
Come Thomas, be still and help lay cloth.Thomas
With all my soul I will.Maria
Aye, lets have a dinner and, by the by,
we have got a lovely little pigeon pie,
'twas made for fathers supper - to take him by surprise.Thomas
Yes master is very fond of pigeon pies.Rebecca
Will you please miss to take Mister Henry in to
the next room while we lay cloth?Maria
My harp is in the next room, come
this way - I trust that I am improved you'll say.Duett
Cupid, come thou smiting boy,
Tune each string to mirth and joy.
All the raptures let us prove
Music is the soul of love.Now to soothing numbers slow,
tears of genuine pity flow.
Now the gay inspiring measure
Thrills each sence with mirth and pleasure.[Exit.]
[Enter Thomas and Rebecca and lay cloth.]
Rebecca
I never was so pleased in all my life.Thomas
Nor I.Rebecca
Now Thomas, you set on the pigeon pie,
what shall we do for wine to make them comfortable? You know
but the cellar is fast locked up below,
we can't get out to buy or I would; rom in trust
the cellar door you know we dare not burst.Thomas
No, but I get wine to set your heart at ease.
I know a sly hole to hook a bottle when I please,
dang it you keep it up, they shan't want for wine.
Yes, yes like princes we will dine.Rebecca
Then there's a good fellow run for it pray do.Thomas
I will you see beck, I know a thing or two.Rebecca
Well and I'll draw some ale for mischief I adore.
Now Mister lawyer, I'll pay off the old score.[Enter Whackham slyly.]
Whackham
I heard my daughter's harp as I passed her room.
At any rate, she can't expect me back so soon,
I have one of the fellows who brought my likeness here
Enter old Windham's house, I am clear
of mischief going on. I'll put them to the rout'
I crept in the back way so I shall find it out.
Ah a cloth laid for two - a question comes over me,
I told Maria I should dine from home most certainly,
I am all in a tremor, I'm cheated two to one.[singing without.]
Ah, a man's voice! I am ruin'd, I am undone,
'tis young Windham I fear, how could he get in?
Oh old nick out of friendship must have lent his aid.
Where shall I hide to detect this villainy?
The proceedings I shall gladly here and see
That my daughter should behave thus - oh this
portrait this very picture shall help conceal me,
the canvas I'll carve out this very minute
and place myself in proper person in it.[takes a knife cut out face and arm of picture and ?... therein.]
Ah footsteps come this way. I must keep my place without delay.
[Enter Thomas and Rebecca with wine and ale.]
Thomas
Here's some of the best wine cellar would afford
Ha, ha, I have routed out old masters hoard.Rebecca
I never spread a cloth with so much pleasure
Mister Henry, Miss Maria, we wait your leisure.[Enter Henry and Maria.]
Both
Yes were ready.Thomas
Then at it tooth and nail.Rebecca
Here's some famous wine sir.Thomas
And nation good strong ale.Maria
That there may be no impropriety on my part
I shall have my father at table.Windham
I have been so agitated I have not tasted food today.Maria
Come then sit down.Thomas
Aye sir, and peg away.Windham
With all my heart I declare.Thomas
'Tis a fine tid bit for how master licks his chops at it.Maria
How happy we to be here both together.Windham
Morning, noon and night.Maria
For ever and ever - rapturous delight.Windham
We shall never disagree.Maria
Oh that we never shall.[Whackham in picture goes humph. Maria surprised but supposes 'tis Thomas.]
Windham
Booby.Maria
Oh, never mind, he is a little too familiar now
But for our ? [ ] and his ignorance we must allow.Windham
True. You'll take with me a glass of wine.Maria
That's an offer I shall not decline.Thomas
La, how desperate kind they be.
Suppose Beck you take a glass of wine with me.Windham [drinking.]
Faith, 'tis excellent.[Whackham from picture drinks her wine.]
Maria
Well that's kind of you, you drank your own and mine too.Windham
I've only taken one I poured yours out.Maria
And drank it when you had done.Windham
Nay you drank it love without perceiving.Maria
Such absurdity is passed believing.Thomas
Ha, ha, people in love are like no one else you know.Maria
You certainly drank it yourself.Windham
I give it up, it shall be so.Maria
Now Henry, when we are married, will you never play truant?Windham
Never on my life.
I shall never think of any woman but my wife.[old man from picture fudge.]
Windham [supposing this the servant Thomas.]
What means the saucy elf?
I wish you'd keep your wit, sir, to yourself.Thomas
Sir, I don't know what you mean.Rebecca
Nor I.Windham
Well, stop your prating with some pigeon pye.Rebecca
Aye we shall famously regale.Maria
We will adjourn.Thomas
But I wish, sir, you would examine this coat tail.
Somehow it was torn off in the fray
master and your father had today.
'Tis full of papers I hadn't meddled with one.[Thomas and Rebecca sit down at table, Windham examines the pockets of coat tail.]
Windham
What is this two title deeds I see?
One of them named and backed to me.Rebecca
Well, I am sure this stake is tender as chicken.Thomas
For old master's tooth this had been pretty picking.Windham
Here's the deed of an estate I never knew of till now.
This hour - left me by my uncle.
Congratulate me my love, I am no longer in my father's power.Maria
I .[?]... .[?]..... ..[?].... wealth
I love dearest Henry for thyself.Thomas. [at table.]
hee, hee, hee - we have drank some of old master's best bottles now at any rate.[old man in picture enraged takes up a plate.]
Whackham
And on thy villain's head I'll crack a plate.[A scream of terror, old Whackham comes from the picture.]
Henry
Confusion.Maria
Ruined.Thomas
Where shall I hide me?Rebecca
Whither shall I run?Whackham
You thieves, you vagabonds, your all found out.
You Henry and you, you vile audacious scout,
Well miss not one word.Maria
Oh sir, I am faint, I am weak quit
confounded sir, I cannot speak.Whackham. [to young Windham.]
You sir, get you hence I'll make
you pay well for your impudence.Maria
We are ruined.Windham
Undone.Whackham
You shall mourn for your fun
You must dine - and have wine.All
Lack a day.Whackham
But sir, you must prance, I'll give you a dance.
And you and your father the piper shall pay.
[violent knocking without.]
What a hurry someone's in who can it be?
Run to the door Thomas., stop here, take the key.
[to young Windham.] The door is open, march out pray.Windham
Only sir, let me speak one word to you.
Consider sir, from infancy we have lov'd.
Remember sir that you that love approv'd[Enter Thomas in a fright.]
Thomas
Oh dear, oh dear what will become of me?
Old Windham and a whole pack has come to take me up for robbery.
[Hides behind the master.]Whackham
I shall give you up depend - if you have broke the law.
I shall give you up depend.Thomas
Then Master Henry take compassion on me do.Windham
Never fear my dad - I'll take care of you.[enter old Windham speaking as he enters.]
Old Windham
I will have my property returned.
Justice shall be done.
Ah who do I see in league against me?
Can it be my son?Windham
Father, if this man took your property, it was by accident.
But I was robbed by calm deliberate comment.
Look at this deed. [takes the deed from his pocket.]Old Windham
All discovered, now what shall I do?
I own your uncle's large estate belongs to you.
If old Whackham knew, I could not show my face,
Nought could attend me but ruin and disgrace.Windham
No one shall ever know it.Old Windham
God bless you then my boy.
I instantly resign my business - and all at my death to enjoy.Whackham
When you have settled your affairs, I should thank you gentlemen to walk downstairs.[Young Windham imitating the Jew.]
Windham
Why sure you won't turn out your old friend Shadrach Abednigo?
You and his father used to traffic largely in gold you know.Whackham
Old Nic fly away with you.Windham
Silence, you are subject to the penalty.Whackham
If old Windham knew it I am ruin'd undone.Windham
Henry Windham and Shadrach Abednigo are one.Whackham
Death, fury and distraction.[Young Windham assuming the artist.]
Windham
You had better take wings coolly, that's my way.Whackham
The artist!Windham
Yes, you see I come from Mr. Trace. I am fit for the law, I can accommodate myself to any case.Whackham
Hark ye, has your father of this business heard?Windham
As yet you may depend not, on my word.
Grant me love Maria for a wife - and here
it shall remain sir lock'd for life.Whackham
Agreed - Ah Windham.Old Windham
Ah Brother Whackham.Whackham
We have been two old fools.Old Windham
I think so too.Thomas
And now for me. Now for once in your lives you have both spoke True.Whackham
What business had we to quarrel?Old Windham
It was folly and absurdity.Thomas
Two of a trade somehow can never to agree.Windham
Therefore to my son my business I resign.Whackham
And with my daughter I will give him mine.
Dear Henry, take her, she has been a good daughter I declare.Windham
And will make an excellent wife.Thomas
Aye, that she will I swearWhackham
You must take that fellow to live with thee,
I can't keep my temper while he lives with me.Windham
With all my heart.Thomas
Now will you.Windham
Aye, nothing loth.Maria
You and Rebecca shall remain here both,
and now let all past be buried in forgetfulness.Windham
So I say.Thomas
But don't forget my two guineas pay.Windham
Two guineas! I shall give you ten.Thomas
Then sir, you make of me a man.
Beck you need nor more turn up your nose I must have a girl with Money,
Men is men as times goes.Whackham
Then here the business ends.Maria
We trust that it will meet the approbation of our friends.
Like ours may the din of warfare cease
and joying nations hail an honourable peace.Finale—Air
Oh, do not on our union frown,
Or happiness would quick depart
The height of all our wishes crown.
Allow us both your hands and heart.Henry
Oh, deign to smile upon our love,
You blooming bills who circle round.
What beaver will thus dare disapprove
No name so hardy will be found.Thomas [to gallery.]
To you above I leave my fate.
Am not afraid to trust to you,
I know you have hearts to passionate
And that you feel for lovers true.FINIS