[Whackham's house. Enter Maria and Rebecca.]
Rebecca
I didn't expect to find you miss alone.
Maria
Oh Henry to his father's chambers gone.
Rebecca
Oh I wish my master would return.
Maria
Whether he is still at Windham's I wish much to learn.
Rebecca
Let me go and learn how things are going on,
'Tis not five minutes run for me.
Maria
Well then pray be gone.
Rebecca
I can get anything out of Mr. Quilldrive,
He's a charming man.
Maria
Nay, go directly and as quickly as you can
and go out at the back door I pray.
Then you'll not meet my father by the way.
Rebecca
Did you ever notice Mr. Quilldrive mam?
Maria
The clerk? A hundred times.
Rebecca
Lah mam, he's quite my spark.
Maria
I am in such a hurry, go pray do.
Rebecca
Ah miss and if I was near marriage
I think I'd be in a hurry too.
Maria
I will not be disappointed now.
For should our parents hesitate,
I'll marry Harry Windham spite of fate.
We have courted on and off for seven years I am sure,
A longer apprenticeship I really cant indure.
I think of courtship I could teach the art—at
least to female friends some hint I can impart.
Air
Two or three looks when your swain wants a kiss.
Two or three nods when you wish to say yes.
Two or three smiles when you utter the no.
Two or three frowns when he offers to go.
Dear ladies these hints on your memory engrave,
And a vast trouble in courtship you save.
Whackham. [speaking without.]
Put the alarm on every window.
Bar up every door .
Over my threshold never steps a Windham more.
Maria
It is as I feared.
[Enter Whackham and Thomas.]
Whackham
Go to your chamber miss few words are best,
Young Windham never more shall be my guest.
Maria
But dear father in what has Henry done wrong?
Whackham
I'll no questions, once more be gone.
Maria
Have some compassion think what I must feel.
Whackham
Hussy away! I will hear no appeal.
Thomas
Ha, ha how droll it was of miss
To ask you to compassionate her.
It don't belong to the calling do it sir.
Whackham
Thomas, my blood's in a boil I
scarce know what I'm about.
You remember every particular.
Thomas
Yes, without a doubt.
Whackham
Yes, yes I'll bring it into Westminster Hall.
Aye, aye old Windham I shall finally maul.
He certainly gave the first blow.
Thomas
I say master I got the tail off clear—though he
swore you should not have it—dang it, it is here.
Whackham
I wish you'd let the fellow's tail alone.
We must sink the tail—that we must not own.
You remember he gave the first blow.
Thomas
That to a calamity I do know.
Whackham
Yes your evidence will bring the matter home.
You must be collector when into court you come,
The counsel will question and I cross question too,
And browbeat you devilishly.
Thomas
Ay, master they cannot beat me worse than you.
I am sure master your poor man must be tiered out.
Somehow you be always banging of that stick about.
Whackham
Well but Thomas suppose yourself on the trial—
and me the adversary's counsel.
Let me hear what answers you would give upon the case.
Thomas
Yes with pleasure sir.
Whackham
Well then, you stand here—keep your place.
[puts him on a chair.]
Zounds don't stare about but look me in the face.
Pray my friend what is your name?
Thomas
Here's a go—just sir as if you didn't know.
Can't you call me Thomas you rascal every day and night?
Whackham
But I am not your master now.
Thomas
Lah sir but you be right.
Whackham
I am acting as a counsel.
Thomas
Yes sir, now I'll mind—I shall soon
get into the knack of it so you'll find.
Whackham
Remember you are in Westminster Hall.
Thomas
Yes for certainty.
Whackham
Well, what brought you here?
Thomas
A hackney coach with Master Sir you see.
Whackham
You hear my lud the fellow is up to
prevarication he has been at the bar before.
Thomas
Yes, that I have at the bar of the Hampshire Hog
A hundred times and more.
Whackham
You see my lud the rascal used to a court.
Thomas
Yes, and a pretty number of alleys too.
Whackham
Grant me patience. Pray sir how do you get your living?
Thomas
I can get my living never let me stir.
Our cook does always go to market sir.
Whackham
I mean how do you live?
Thomas
Why rather queer—hard dumplings and scrips
and scraps—and nothing but small beer -
Sometimes we have a Yorkshire pudding sure,
and baked shoulder mutton washing days ever more.
Whackham
You egregious fool—I mean how do you do?
Thomas
Pretty well thank you master, how be you?
Whackham
Get down you idiot I shall soon the counsel see
All through your cursed stupidity.
Thomas
No, no Master Thomas Thrasher is a rare cute chap.
Though the first time I might a little out mayhap.
Whackham
Now only here what answers will give, attend.
You take my place and I'll take yours my friend.
Thomas
Yes sir.
[They change places.]
Whackham
Now Thomas, question me in the same manner I did thee.
Thomas
Well, what's your name?
Whackham
Thomas Thresher.
Thomas
With whom pray may you dwell?
Whackham
With Wilfred Whackham esquire, attorney at law.
Thomas
Ay, ay I know him well and a nation
Passionate old rogue he be—I beg your pardon
I forgot I was a counsellor you see—what do you
know fellow about this rumpus? Don't be scared.
Whackham
Why sir, to old Windham's chambers with my master I repaired
A quarrel insued about a point of law.
Thomas
Go on.
Whackham
And after much abusive language old Windham
Knock'd my master down in fact so furious
Was the strife—but for my interference my master
Had lost his life.
Thomas
Then Thomas Thresher thou art a brave fellow.
Tell thy master to give the(e) lad of clothes,
a brand new suit,
and five golden guineas friend to boot.
Whackham
I give thee five golden thumpings first.
Such evidence would ruin any cause, give it up I must.
Counsel would tear this fellow to pieces, brains he's not.
Thomas
I believe thee master, I be so thumped and knock'd
about by one—how shall I fare amongst so many?
Whackham
Go downstairs sir—take warning.
Thomas
I be glad on sir. I won't be torn to pieces
by any lawyer in the land.
[Exit Thomas.]
Whackham
Zounds I am acting impolitic and hasty.
I must retain him in my service that I must. Yes, Yes;
Till I understand what sort of handle Windham makes of this.
[Enter Rebecca hastily with letter.]
Rebecca
Oh miss I have got...
Whackham
Have got what? speak without demur.
Rebecca
Why I have got the toothache sir.
[Whackham seizes her head.]
Rebecca
La sir, what are you about?
Whackham
Tell me which it is and I'll soon nuch it out.
[Pops his finger in her mouth, she bites it, he roars out.]
Rebecca
Dear sir. I am extremely sorry but you see
It a sudden twing of agony. [she holds up a letter.]
Whackham
Oh you rile, vile jade what have you there?
Rebecca
A letter sir you see.
Whackham
Let me have it instantly.
Rebecca
Tis not for you sir nor shall you have it unless
there is ways and means sir,
Doubtless you can guess.
Song
Oh no dear sir you must excuse,
I am faithfull, firm and trusty,
and tho your wishes I refuse.
I am neither cross nor crusty,
A lover's secrets close should be
and therefore sir you'll pardon me.
Chambermaids these maxims draw,
From those in higher station
Who reads a brief will hum and haw
Till feed for explanation.
This is my plan. first give the fee
and now dear sir you'll pardon me.
[Puts the letter in her pocket.]
Whackham
Oh, I'll trick her yet a cunning jade.
My pretty Abigail! I see you know your trade.
Don't leave me sweetheart as we are alone.
I should like a little talk with you I own.
Rebecca. [aside]
I take advantage now of this to trick him out of a few pounds -
it will not be amiss.
Whackham
I think I only gave thee five and sixpence let me see,
I have a beautiful five-pound note for thee.
But hold, hold that won't do—I can't stand a note and five
and sixpence too.
Rebecca
Oh, you shall have the five and sixpence presently.
Give me the five pound note.
[Whackham takes it.]
Whackham. [sings.]
And now dear ma'am you'll pardon me -
Rebecca
Why, you can never be so spitefull.
Whackham
I say ma'am your hit methinks this is the biter bit.
Rebecca
I'll be even with you sir.
Whackham
Aye, aye do your worst.
Rebecca
Oh, with rage I sure shall burst—sir I am
afraid the piece I gave you back was bad.
A bad one in my pocket sir I'm sure I had.
I do not think I gave you back your own.
Allow me sure see.
Whackham. [sings.]
Oh no dear ma'am you'll pardon me,
That way if you please ma'am.
Rebecca
I'll leave the house.
Whackham
Do, do, I shall be very glad to get rid of you.
There is a lass with a swing? how she flourished out
That letter from young Windham to Maria I've no doubt.
No matter, I'll take care of her—he shan't come,
And out she shall not stir -
[Enter Thomas.]
Thomas
Master Shadrach Abednigo has call'd.
Whackham
About what.
Thomas
About the pins and sealing wax you know.
Whackham
That's mighty well, let him come up.
Thomas. [calling]
Come up and rub your feet on the mat at the
bottom of the stairs pray do.
Whackham
Go down and show him up.
Thomas
La sir, a call does just as well 'tis plain.
'Tis wasting shoe leather just to be trotting
up and down again—I find shoes you know.
Whackham
And I find livery.
Thomas
Yes, that I own.
Whackham
Then if you do not walk I shall kick you down.
I shall not spare my clothes you see.
Thomas
La sir, how nation passionate you be.
[Enter young Windham. disguised as a Jew pedlar.]
Whackham
Ah Shadrach I am glad to see you I heard
that you was dead
Shadrach
'Twas reported by some rogues to steal my trade.
'Twas my father that was dead not me,
But I carried on the business you see.
Whackham
Why have I not seen you these two years or more friend?
Shadrach
But I have very often called at the door.
Whackham
Well, well, what have you to sell?
Shadrach
A bargain that will suit you very well.
Whackham
A bargain, it must be a bargain for nothing
but bargains can I buy.
Shadrach
It shall be a bargain sir, to please you I try.
Here is some paper excellent you'll own.
You will not find nothing like it in the town.
Whackham
What is it, a quire?
Shadrach
'Tis a great bargain sir at 16 pence.
Whackham
Are you wild?
Shadrach
I hope sir no offence.
Whackham
It will not suit my purpose sir I think.
I would not give above six pence a quire.
It won't bear out the ink.
Shadrach
Well sir, I will take your money if I can,
I wish to deal sir like an honest man.
Does the young lady your daughter want any
trinkets or rings? I have a great many cheap and very pretty
things.
Whackham
No, no she has lots of frippery.
Your sealing wax my friend I wish to try.
Shadrach
Shall I call the servant to bring a light sir here?
Whackham
My daughter is in her chamber very near.
She has a taper there. Maria, bring a light to me.
Maria [without.]
Just father, I'll be with you presently.
Shadrach. [aside.]
Egad my patience it was nearly spent.
This is for me a fortunate event.
Whackham. [in a sly
undertone.]
I suppose Shadrach you need not now be told
me and your father used to traffic rather largely sometime back
in gold.
Shadrach
I sare?
Whackham
Zounds what was I about to tell.
Shadrach
Here's a discovery will suit my purpose well.
Yes, yes sir from my father the business I have heard.
Whackham
But silence on your life we are subject to the penalty/
Shadrach
Oh lane? Not a word.
Whackham
Ha, ha your father used to laugh and boast
How cleverly he got the guineas from the coast.
I have sold him many a score.
Shadrach
Today sir, have you got any more?
Whackham
Well, I have a few hundreds.
Shadrach
Sell them sir, sell them. Take Shadrach's advice,
A friend of mine will give a famous price.
When will you see him an early time? Pray fix.
Whackham
What say you to this afternoon at six?
Here comes my daughter, mum my friend—
you live at the old place.
Shadrach
Yes, sare.
Whackham
I'll meet him at your home at six depend.
Shadrach [aside.]
Then at six I must contrive to see Maria.
At six sare.
Whackham
Silence, do not let one breath transpire.
[Enter Maria, with lighted taper.]
Shadrach
Ah sweet girl, how charming she appears
And yet methinks she surely been in tears.
Whackham
Before I try it what is it? a pound?
Shadrach
Four shillings.
Whackham
Four shillings! Are you mad?
I'll give you 18 pence.
Shadrach
No sir that is to bad.
If Christians did not beat poor Jews so down,
They would deal much farer ten to one.
Whackham
Aye, aye I know—a Jew's conscience is not small.
Shadrach
And many of your people have none at all. [producing letter]
Young lady, I wish you would look on this.
I think the seal on the paper will please you miss.
[she takes the letter.]
Maria
The quality of wax I do not understand.
[Whackham snatches the letter.]
Whackham
Let me see it. Oh, a letter and young Windham's hand.
Shadrach
I shall be discovered so had best retire—and plan
some other scheme to get the letter to Maria.
Maria
Pray give me the letter.
Whackham
Hang me if I do.
Shadrach
Excuse me mister it was not meant for you. [Exits.]
Whackham
Thomas, don't let him escape, knock the rascal down.
I here the door bang. Yes the bird has flown.
Here are plots—here's villainy and mystery.
But I'll not be outwitted they shall see.
Maria, you want to trick me that I know
but I shall lock up every door below -
and nail up every window opening to the street
then every stratagem I think I shall defeat..
[Enter Thomas]
Thomas
A young man from the athiest sir be come,
and wishes to know sir if you be at home.
Whackham
The athiest, the athiest?
Thomas
Yes sir, so it seems—he who draws your picture.
Whackham
The artist the fellow means.
Thomas
Yes sir.
Whackham
Let him come up.
Thomas
Come up sir, pray.
[Enter young Windham as a spruce young buck.]
Whackham
Well sir, your business, I am in haste.
Windham
'Pon my honor, I've no time to waste.
Whackham
Who are you? what do you want?
Windham
One question at a time I'll answer truly.
Whackham
But I'm in a hurry.
Windham
Hurry or no hurry, I always take things coolly.
Question the first. Who am I—
I am Daniel David Daw student under Mr. Trace.
Whackham
I thought I was familiar with your face.
Windham
Hold, hold, old buck; don't be unruly.
I wish you would take the matter coolly.
Whackham
You have been studying the art of imprudence
I do believe—and studied to the purpose I perceive.
Windham
Now coolly, coolly.
Whackham
Zounds I am scalding hot.
Windham
A few lines marks and for you I have got,
your picture sir is finish'd and Mr. Trace
wish'd an engraving of your face.
He thinks to give it to the Town.
Whackham
I think 'twould sell very well I own,
I have no objection 'twill be in the print shops.
Windham
Exactly so.
Whackham
Stuck up with great men and beauties in a row.
Windham [holding up a letter.]
Here's a few lines mark'd
and miss, will you look on these
give me your opinion on them if you please?
Maria
Yes sir. [give a blank letter.]
Whackham
What did you think of the alterations I suggested?
Windham
Nothing could be better—and we observed them sir
exactly to a letter. [Hold a letter.]
[she takes it]
Whackham [looking at blank paper.]
Where is the likeness?
Windham
'Tis faintly sketched sir certainly.
Whackham
The duce a mark but Britannia can I see.
Windham
You will observe the lines miss.
Maria
Surely sir.
Whackham
Then my sight is gone.
Maria
When will my father's portrait sir come home?
Windham
Instantly miss, without delay, observe the background well I
pray.
Maria
I will.
Windham
Then I have finished everything I had to do.
I advise you to take things coolly old boy avisee.
[Exit.]
Whackham
I wish I had the finishing of you my friend,
You should be cooled in a horse pond you may depend.
[Enter Thomas]
Thomas
Your picture sir from Mr. Trace be come,
two of his men have just now brought it home.
I hope it is a likeness a great one I'm sure -
for we could scarcely get it through the passage door.
Whackham
Then let them bring it up I long to see it.
Maria
So do I indeed.
Whackam [calling off.]
Don't injure it take heed.
[Enter two men with picture covered with baize, Rebecca following.]
Whackham
Keep it upright and sit it there.
Maria
Now father you are an upright lawyer I declare.
Whackham
Their friends is something to drink half a crown.
One of you these gentlemen show down.
[Exit with Rebecca]
[re-enter Rebecca]
[Whackham uncovers the picture]
Whackham
An excellent likeness e-faith.
Thomas. [aside to Rebecca.]
Just master's furious look.
Maria
The eyes are uncommon effective.
Thomas
And the nose just Master's crook.
I'm sure sir if the painter put a stick in your hand,
I would not for my life near it stand.
Whackham
But what does the fellow mean by painting me
white worsted stocking on—I was a little
gouty when I sat but that is gone.
Maria
That's a fault he very soon can mend.
Whackham
I'll have it attend e'er I pay one farthing
that you may depend.
Give me hat I am going out on business.
So shall call at Traces by the way.
Mark I shall not dine at home today,
you may get your dinner child direct.
Maria
Will it be late before you return?
Whackham
Why rather I suspect.
I hope you have everything you want within the door.
Rebecca
Why sir this doubt?
Whackham
Hark ye no one that's now within till my return this out.
[Exit followed by Thomas.]
